June 17, 2008

I have to apologize to all my readers and fellow blogging friends. Life got mentally difficult for me and I just didn’t know what to say about anything here. I still don’t know where I’m going with this blog anymore but in the interest of figuring it out…here are some thoughts.

My reviewers mentioned that I write about only my sexual experiences. I have to disagree to some degree. Yes, there is sex involved in a lot of my posts but it isn’t about sex. It’s about a journey into me. It’s about my finding out who I am through relationship experiences. Sex is a huge part of life. Since this blog is in the form of a journal, I write it as I wrote my journals long ago, focusing on the spectacle in my life, the very very good and very very bad times. Sex is right up there on both counts. It hits you in the core. When you open up to someone sexually, you learn a lot about you. So I’m arguing that my sexual journey IS my personal, emotional journey.

I’m dealing with a lot of those issues now.  Who am I emotionally, sexually? How do I exist alone? With someone else? How do I choose partners? How can I choose better partners?

Brody and I have had limited contact for the last few weeks. My questions have grown. I’ll write more about it later after I peruse what I already wrote about him. My mind is a mess.

Question for all of you…what are your thoughts on May/December romance? What’s good about it? Does it always have to end badly? Just tell me any thought you have on the topic. I’m struggling right now and in need of some clear headed ideas.

That’s all for now.

Just me…Marissa

June 4, 2008

I wrote a poem today for my other blog, yes I have another blog that I will never link to from here. Anyway, the point of the poem was to bring to life the idea what memories are active parts of our lives. I think that’s the overall message of this blog-story. Our past informs, constrains, grounds, and complicates the lives we are living today. We make decisions now based on outcomes before. Nothing is decided in a vacuum.

I’ve been thinking a lot about memory lately and how my past affected my relationship with Brody. It became a jumping off point, a way to talk about why I’m reluctant to get involved with anyone anymore. And then it became a wall.

Sometimes people need time alone, time to think. I don’t really understand why someone that cares for another would just walk away in the middle of something wonderful and isolate, be still, be silent and refrain from contact but that’s what happened. He walked away and I lost it.

Because of my past hurt, past loss, past experience, I interpreted his silence to withdrawal. I thought he was preparing to break things off so instead of waiting for the guillotine to fall, I felled the relationship myself. Then a huge amount of regret hit me and I tried to get him back. I begged to see him, to talk. I emailed, I texted, I called and he didn’t reply. I got a few very brief messages over the past two weeks but they contained no reassurance just his continued need for silence. My frustration kept building and building. Finally, he wrote a short email that said he missed me. This did not come with the suggestion that we should see each other, however.

What kind of reaction did I have? At first, sadness…but then anger! I was so pissed! How dare he say he missed me! I haven’t gone anywhere. If he wanted to see me he could. He has chosen not to see me so how can I accept the words, “I miss you?” Does that even make sense?

I emailed him a very long rambling mess of my spewing anger and he responded in kind saying he would try to explain but it didn’t seem to matter, my past has made it so that I filter everything through my black-colored glasses.

I may have destroyed any chance at reconciliation.

I still don’t understand what happened. He was here and now he’s gone but I still feel in limbo.

Time to think and to turn inward…ujjayi breathing on my yoga mat. I need to find some peace.

Just me…Marissa

May 28, 2008

When you’re alone you have basically two options for finding connection…books and movies. I’ve been reading a little lately but watching movies like mad. I’ve also just been thinking about film in general….films I’ve seen, films that made an impact on me, films with moments of clarity that ring so true. It’s like therapy for me. It’s like group therapy, me and my favorite characters talking about our pain. This clip is from a film called Swingers. No, it’s not about the swinging lifestyle, but about a couple of guys who wear sharkskin jackets, go to casinos and call themselves, “Money, baby.” It’s not one of my favorite films overall, but this little piece of writing, this little scene, is one that hits me in the gut.

Just me…Marissa

May 27, 2008

I can’t seem to write anything of my own. In times like these I turn to other writers of novels, films or just about anything. I try to find truth, inspiration, commiseration or just distraction from my own thoughts. So here’s something a little different today. No music. I saw this film and it’s predecessor last night. The only thing I can bring myself to do lately is watch movies. I thought they would take my mind off Brody but they keep reminding me of him, of others that came before, and of my lack of ability to keep love in my life. These two characters both remind me of myself. They both say things I have felt. I hope you enjoy the clip.

Just me…Marissa

May 23, 2008

I wrote my first ‘Dear John’ letter today.

All week a weight was bearing down on me, impending doom. I was waiting on death row for the inevitable end or the slim chance of pardon. Been there done that and not too long ago. I thought I would surely die but somehow I made it through, not unscathed but walking wounded. As soon as Brody said something wasn’t feeling right, I knew that was the beginning of the end.

I had a choice to make: either wait for Brody to decide or take matters into my own hands. I chose to take back control and end the relationship before it ended me. I didn’t want to let a man decide my emotional fate yet again. I thought it would feel good.  All I feel is sadness.

Did I make a mistake?

Oh, Brody! I want you back already.

Just me…Marissa

May 21, 2008

I recently come to the conclusion that I am a coupler. I don’t feel right when I am not in a relationship. It’s that simple. I need another to be by my side. I think that is a major reason I have put up with irresponsible, worthless, not-good-for-me men before. I didn’t want to be alone. This is very hard to admit.

The feminist in me screams, bullshit! You are enough all by yourself. I know this is true. I know I am an intelligent, creative, interesting, attractive, sexual, sensual, wonderful human being. One that needs a match, however.

Maybe it’s a Piscean thing. I was born under the sign of the ‘twin’ fish. I need someone to school with. I think I might have mentioned that before…at least it rings in my ears as something I have written, here or maybe somewhere else. I don’t have time to check and frankly I don’t care because if I wrote it before, it bears repeating.

I watched an episode of Sex and the City recently in anticipation of the upcoming movie. The episode was called Plus One is the Loneliest Number. Carrie is sad that she doesn’t have a date to her own book release party. She doesn’t have a ‘plus one’.

I do have a plus one…or I did. Is anything every straight forward?

Brody and I are going through a weird couple of days. We’ve both been in a funk of sorts and not sure what’s wrong. Partly it’s him having trouble dealing with all my past relationship drama. He doesn’t want to be the next man that breaks my heart, if it comes to an end.

Partly, it’s sex, at least I think it is. The sex is good…very good,. I think he doubts me when I say that. I think, because of all my previous experience, he feels intimidated and I feel like there is nothing I can do about that.

I throw up my hands!!!!!

I thought that dating a man close to my age, with kids and emotional baggage would work…NOT

I thought that dating a man close to my age that didn’t have the emotional baggage and kids would work…NOT

So I decided to try something different…a younger man…and that seemed to be perfect…now I don’t know.

Just when I get to the point that I have worked through the shock of the age difference, went through both of us meeting the family, started developing real feelings…now things are getting shaky. Cold feet maybe?

*sigh*

There is nothing much to say…I’m getting so tired of this.

Just me…Marissa

May 13, 2008

Sometimes I have trouble finding the song I want to include with any given post. I either have one in mind and can’t find a good video of it, or I don’t have one in mind and search relentlessly to find something suitable. In the former situation I get really frustrated when I can’t find exactly what I want. When I’m more open to possibilities I stumble onto interesting things.

I’ve been so jaded, guarded, resistant to opportunities in love. I’ve avoided contact with men. I stopped caring about my looks. I sunk into myself and cried until I began to heal but the scars were a tough shell of protection. I’ve known Brody for nearly two years. We’ve had many classes together so I wasn’t as wary of spending time with him. He wasn’t a threat to me as much as any new man would be. He was a friend, albeit someone I didn’t know very well until recently. This has been a hard few weeks with the end of the semester and the finalization of my divorce but mostly because of Brody.

I’ve been afraid to post about it. I know this seems silly because I’m very open here on my blog. I post about extremely personal things about my life and my sexuality. I don’t hold back but this time I did. I had to.

Brody began leaving messages to me on my Facebook page about two months ago. I messages him back. It was simple small talk and college stuff. It was about the time he broke up with his girlfriend and his tagline seemed very sad. I wrote him a short message saying I’d be willing to listen if he needed to talk. I was being a friend. I’d just been hurt badly and I knew how hard it was to reach out for help. I reached out to him and this was the beginning…

Brody was dealing with something we all deal with at the end of a relationship. It’s not always missing the person but missing the companionship. Being alone can be really tough when you’re used to having someone to go places with, having a warm body to cuddle up to, having arms around you. He wasn’t missing her, he missed being a couple.

So we talked. And we talked some more. Finally, he admitted he had quite the crush on me. Of course I was flattered but so guarded that I just didn’t think I wanted anything with him (or anyone else for that matter). When I began to allow myself to think about it there were roadblocks. I’m fifteen years older than Brody. I couldn’t wrap my mind around a relationship like that. The age difference is such a huge issue. We had many talks about it. I had many moments of panic thinking about the insanity of it. The thing is…when we’re together I don’t feel an age difference. It just doesn’t occur to me. We fit so comfortably together it’s seamless, hand in glove snug. I can breathe with him. We have so much in common.

My last few weeks have been spent mostly in Brody’s company. We’ve worked through the age difference together, and dealt with it with our families and friends. My ex knows about him, now, and my kids. We’ve been together for over a month now and it just keeps getting better. I’m actually happy for the first time in a long time. There is no drama like with Logan and Jonathan. No hiding the relationship or sneaking around. There are no complications, other than our age difference. We just fit and it took me awhile to realize it.

I titled this post ‘No Map’ because we don’t have a map of our lives to follow. We don’t know what roads to take and we’re constantly assessing each option as forks appear off the path we’re currently following. Brody was an unexpected path I decided to take. It seemed impossible at first, even undesirable from my anti-love position but over the past month I’ve realized I’m happier with him than alone.

Just me…Marissa

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Finishing the end of my semester…

Finding work…

Paying bills…

Spending time with Brody…

and much more.

I don’t have time to blog unfortunately. I’ll be back soon when things settle a bit. I’m thinking a week or so.

Just me…Marissa

April 22, 2008

This week is a difficult one and my thoughts are kind of all over the place and I feel detached from my inner self. Jaded is a word that keeps running ’round my head.

What does it mean to be jaded?

Merriam Webster’s online dictionary defines it as:

1. fatigued by overwork: exhausted

2. made dull, apathetic, or cynical by experience or by surfeit

Yep…and yep. That’s me. Should I end the post here? Nah, you know me better than that. I have lots more to say on the issue.

Love in all it’s many painful and beautiful complications has presented itself to me over the last twelve months. It has been a cornucopia of emotional distress. The ending of my marriage, which I haven’t written a whole lot about yet, started the past year off right. It was mixed with emotions for Logan that then became it’s own story and on the heels of Logan came Jonathan. Even before the paint was dried on the Logan and Marissa Exit sign, Jonathan was hanging is Open sign for me to come on in. One right after another. So yes, I’m emotionally exhausted…definition number one.

I have noticed a lessening of my usual emotional intensity lately. I’m not excited about anything. Brody came into my life and it’s nice but I am not overly optimistic or starry-eyed as I would usually be with a new man in my life. I’m dulled and apathetic about things now, definition number two.

I feel so out of my element. This is not me. I am the girl that falls for a look, a smile, the slightest touch of skin on skin or kisses that buckle my knees. I dream. I fantasize. I’m an idealistic fool. I’ve joked about being jaded before after a particulary difficult break-up but now I really am. This is a totally different set of internal mechanisms of thought and feeling. I just don’t know how to be this new me.

Poor Brody.

He’s so young, so full of optimism and able to believe in the myth of true love. Why, oh why, does he want to be involved with someone like me? I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I feel. I don’t even believe I am capable of loving anyone. I don’t want to ever get married again or to even cohabitate with someone. And yet, I let him hold me and kiss me. It feels good to have arms around me. I look into his eyes and I feel pained by all his supposed expectations, his hopes, his needs, his dreams and yet I feel comforted, too.

Is it selfish of me to let him hold me when I’m so totally closed off?

I love, don’t get me wrong. I love the wrong men. I love Logan and I love Jonathan…still. It’s like living with ghosts. I can’t love another man right now. I just can’t. I won’t be able to love again until I excorcise these ghosts. They keep flitting in and out of my life. I’m going to see Jonathan today. Logan called me last night. They are a constant reminder of what could have been and I’m frozen. They call or come see me and my heart warms a little, but just a little before it freezes over again.

I wrote a short story recently about my feet dangling in a river. That’s a fitting metaphor for how I feel about love. I can dip my toes in the pool but that’s it, feet dangling, always just a breath away from retreat. My ghosts have a warming presence but love is a cool pool, refreshing yet chilling. Being a Pisces, water is my home. Will it ever feel like home again or always a tank I’m trapped in?

Sorry for the crap post today…I just can’t seem to write anything good. Too many metaphors, too much confusion. What’s new eh?

Just me…Marissa

April 18, 2008

This morning I awoke with a bed shaking, glass clattering jolt! As my eyelids fluttered open my mind was trying to make sense of a new cheap-motel-magic-fingers-like sensation. No, I had not left my vibrator buzzing on the nightstand. It was an earthquake!

I do not live in California so this is not something I have ever had to deal with before. I was lying there thinking to myself, “Do I get up? Get the kids up? Stand in the doorway? I don’t know the protocol here! Is this really an earthquake or am I dreaming?” I found out two hours later it was, in fact, an earthquake.

My second jolt of the day was a blog review. I had requested a review from Ask And Ye Shall Receive and today was the dreaded day. Apparently Love Bites was not stirred by my emotions, only by the sex scenes. She had some great things to say about my writing but called me the “sexy tin woman”. It was a mixed review but I appreciate her candor and some of her suggestions. I’m making a few changes in accordance.

Forgive me for revelling in my own fabulocity for a second…

In all honesty, Just Me…Marissa was one of the most difficult blog reviews I’ve ever done. Reading it was literally the emotional equivalent of having an eating disorder and being assigned to review a pastry shop.

Clearly, you are a gifted writer. I was immediately hooked in after the first post, and read for a long, long time.

Your blog delves deeply into your sexual journey, and you write erotic prose quite well.

…of all the bloggers I’ve read, you and I have the most in common.

You write sex like nobody’s business.

Thank you Love Bites! If we do, indeed, have a lot in common I’d like to read more of you. I’m not going to be a whiny-ass-cry-baby and pout at the negatives. Writing my story is a journey as living it was so I take it in stride.

Cheers!

Just me…Marissa soul-less sexpot

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