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March 12, 2008
It’s all in the packaging…nough said.
I could end this post right now. That first statement pretty much says it all. I hide a lot under my clothes. While dressed in a youthful fashion, form fitting clothes, sexy shoes, hair done, make-up on, nails artificially prettified, I look about ten years younger than I am. However, out of my clothes is a different story.
I know, we women tend to exaggerate our flaws. I try to be as honest as I can with myself and with potential partners. I’m a mom. My body shows it. That’s just a fact. I did not get lucky like some women and get my pre-pregnancy body back or an even sexier body than before like some women I know. I have stretchmarks everywhere, loose skin on my stomach, and a breast augmentation that didn’t heal right so I’m uneven and oddly shaped. Are you clicking off my blog now from disgust? I wouldn’t blame you.
Some people are very critical about cosmetic surgery. You can afford to be critical if you don’t have the problems some of us do. If you don’t walk around every day thinking you wish you didn’t look 80 years old when you are only 35, and you don’t fear getting naked with a new partner then you can’t understand. Before I decided to have my surgery I cried often about how my body looked. There was nothing I could do. No amount of exercise or diet would cure the problems I had. I hated my body. I had several problems to tackle with my breast augmentation and if it had healed correctly I would be happy. Unfortunately one side tightened too much and needs to be corrected. I will have to have another surgery.
I’m going to be brutally honest about my problems because it might help someone else going through the same decisions. I have a chest deformity called Pectus excavatum, also known as an inverted breastbone, or sunken chest. It’s pretty severe. When my breasts were bigger it was well hidden. After birthing and nursing two children, my breasts were, for lack of a better explanation, empty, and the chest wall deformity became very apparent. My breasts were also asymmetrical. Three problems to tackle with one procedure. Frankly, they look a lot better in many ways now but a lot worse, too. Six of one ya know?
Anyway, I guess I wanted to bring this up to address the critics of such procedures. It is a major life changing decision. Most women do not make it lightly. Most, like me, go through years of trying to feel good about something that disgusts them. Most do not have minor problems, but major issues to tackle. Granted there are those that get cosmetic surgery purely for vanity, to increase the size of breasts that are already beautiful, to suck a tiny bit of fat out of thighs that are near perfect anyway. That was not me. I am a vibrant, young, beautiful woman in every way but one, my body. I wanted my physical appearance to match my youthful attitude. If after a second surgery, my breasts are more even, and not painful as one is sometimes now, then I’ll be much happier. I’ve also thought about a tummy tuck but the scar creeps me out. I’d simply be trading one disgust for another. But boy do I covet those nice, tight, smooth feminine tummies that don’t have saggy skin and stretchmarks. That’s a real turn on for me. I look at other women, some my age and mothers, and wonder why I look the way I do. I look at them with envy, with desire. I look at myself and cringe. That will never be me. No amount of surgery can give me that.
I will say this, I have nice legs, a beautiful back, a young, pretty face and when I work out regularly, a nice ass too. I can compete with any 20-something in looks when clothed. But some of me…not so good. I worry about what a partner will think when I get naked. My true physical form does not match what they see all packaged up. Will it be a letdown? Will they think twice about being with me? Will I scare them away like I scare myself sometimes? Will my body be the deal breaker in the relationship?
Thinking about Smith makes me think of all this. He is young, very young, and probably used to dating very young, beautiful women that don’t have such body problems. As much as I like him, and feel wonderful around him, I don’t know if I can reveal myself to him. An older man, one who has been married with children, knows what a woman’s body goes through when bearing children. He can better appreciate the scars childbearing can leave and the decision I made to have surgery. I don’t know if someone like Smith can. He says I’m a “MILF mom” and that makes me feel great. But his expectations of our “sexy time” might be far and above what I can give him, at least visually. I know I’d have no trouble satisfying him sexually but the real, naked me might not live up to his fantasies.
I guess I’m faced with a decision with four possible options. Either don’t date Smith, always wear clothing when having sex, turn the lights off, or be honest and lay in on the line with him even if it means rejection.
I just don’t know.
Just me…Marissa…laying myself bare before you
