Over the River Across the Pond

March 17, 2007

My first trip to London and I’m ecstatic! Today was incredible. A rare sunny day in London, double decker buses, red phone booths and roundabouts.

We’ve just spent a week travelling around Europe. First we spent a few days with friends in Germany, then drove up to Amsterdam then through Belguim on into Paris. Ah Paris…I always wanted to go to Paris. Standing at the foot of the Eiffel Tower I was stunned. I had a hard time accepting the reality of where I was. I had the same feeling walking through the Louvre.

The history combined with moderninity is something we don’t have in the states. Our country is not that old. Our big cities are mainly planned affairs on a grid system with new architecture and wide roads to handle the stress of traffic. Europe is a hodge podge of streets that converge in strange ways, buildings smashed up against one another in odd configurations, the old and the new all bundled up together. I laughed when we rented our car in Germany. I was figuring we’d get some European model. They gave us a Ford Focus. Americans in Europe searching for a new experience driving around in the most American vehicle possible…a Ford!

Finally we got to London. The whole trip was planned so I could meet the woman that captured my heart. Since she couldn’t come to London till the weekend, we planned the rest of the week to keep me busy and my mind off my ultimate destination. We met her at the train station yesterday. She and I were both a bundle of nerves. Would our feelings remain when they were put to the test of reality?

Meeting was surreal but it didn’t take long to get comfortable with each other.

My husband was a generous sort of man. He knew how much I loved her and accepted it as an extension of our life, not as a replacement for him. He travelled thousands of miles to let me meet her in person and he allowed us some time to get to know each other.

After travelling she and I both wanted to clean up so we decided to take a shower together. Both being mothers, we had hang ups about our bodies and our “flaws”. This way we could get that all out in the open and finally forget about our “bad bits”. It was a wonderfully sensual experience, not like the times I had sexual experiences with women that didn’t include emotional attachment. She and I were emotionally close long before we met. The physical closeness and expression of desire was fulfilling in a completely different way than any other relationship I have had.

Today I had a whole other kind of high. I was walking near Buckingham Palace, a bastion of hetero-normative society, holding the hand of the woman I love, and walking next to my husband. I felt so free and able to be myself, more than ever before in my life. But there was one moment today that stands above all the rest…

Standing on a gangway over the River Thames, between a busy street in London and the river boat bar we just left, the Millennium Bridge visible over our shoulders, not hidden away in some hotel room, I kissed her. Not a peck on the cheek kind of kiss but more like a “I’ve been waiting all my life to do this” kind of kiss. This was the moment my bisexual identity cemented itself. Up until that moment all my same-sex experiences were behind closed doors or in bars after many drinks, for the benefit of the male gaze. This kiss was for me. It was my statement to the world that I didn’t care what anyone thought. I was going to kiss my girl, right here, right now, because I wanted to.

Some people might say this was more of a lesbian coming out but I’m not lesbian so I can’t claim that identity. Surely it might have looked that way to anyone who happened to notice but the identity I’m talking about is not my social identity but my personal identity, how I see myself. This was the moment I realized that not only could I be in an open relationship with a man, but I also could with a woman. I felt comfortable being with her in public, just as I would with a male partner.

Today was my coming out and it felt great! I had to take a moment to write about it.

Tomorrow…

I don’t want to think about tomorrow…

Tomorrow we say goodbye. Finally finding my missing piece only to have to leave it where I found it is so unfair. She has a life and a family in England. I have a life and a family in the states. I wouldn’t give up these two days with her for anything but now that we know how real and how strong these feeling are it seems such a cruel twist of fate to have to leave one another.

I’ve got a few more hours…I’m going to spend them enjoying this new love. I’ll fall asleep holding her. I’ll wake up with her softness next to me. I’ll breathe her in and try to remember her scent and every curve of her body. I’ll not think about our goodbye. It’ll come too soon, anyhow.

But tonight, tonight I’m in London and in love.

Just me…Marissa

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