No Map

May 13, 2008

Sometimes I have trouble finding the song I want to include with any given post. I either have one in mind and can’t find a good video of it, or I don’t have one in mind and search relentlessly to find something suitable. In the former situation I get really frustrated when I can’t find exactly what I want. When I’m more open to possibilities I stumble onto interesting things.

I’ve been so jaded, guarded, resistant to opportunities in love. I’ve avoided contact with men. I stopped caring about my looks. I sunk into myself and cried until I began to heal but the scars were a tough shell of protection. I’ve known Brody for nearly two years. We’ve had many classes together so I wasn’t as wary of spending time with him. He wasn’t a threat to me as much as any new man would be. He was a friend, albeit someone I didn’t know very well until recently. This has been a hard few weeks with the end of the semester and the finalization of my divorce but mostly because of Brody.

I’ve been afraid to post about it. I know this seems silly because I’m very open here on my blog. I post about extremely personal things about my life and my sexuality. I don’t hold back but this time I did. I had to.

Brody began leaving messages to me on my Facebook page about two months ago. I messages him back. It was simple small talk and college stuff. It was about the time he broke up with his girlfriend and his tagline seemed very sad. I wrote him a short message saying I’d be willing to listen if he needed to talk. I was being a friend. I’d just been hurt badly and I knew how hard it was to reach out for help. I reached out to him and this was the beginning…

Brody was dealing with something we all deal with at the end of a relationship. It’s not always missing the person but missing the companionship. Being alone can be really tough when you’re used to having someone to go places with, having a warm body to cuddle up to, having arms around you. He wasn’t missing her, he missed being a couple.

So we talked. And we talked some more. Finally, he admitted he had quite the crush on me. Of course I was flattered but so guarded that I just didn’t think I wanted anything with him (or anyone else for that matter). When I began to allow myself to think about it there were roadblocks. I’m fifteen years older than Brody. I couldn’t wrap my mind around a relationship like that. The age difference is such a huge issue. We had many talks about it. I had many moments of panic thinking about the insanity of it. The thing is…when we’re together I don’t feel an age difference. It just doesn’t occur to me. We fit so comfortably together it’s seamless, hand in glove snug. I can breathe with him. We have so much in common.

My last few weeks have been spent mostly in Brody’s company. We’ve worked through the age difference together, and dealt with it with our families and friends. My ex knows about him, now, and my kids. We’ve been together for over a month now and it just keeps getting better. I’m actually happy for the first time in a long time. There is no drama like with Logan and Jonathan. No hiding the relationship or sneaking around. There are no complications, other than our age difference. We just fit and it took me awhile to realize it.

I titled this post ‘No Map’ because we don’t have a map of our lives to follow. We don’t know what roads to take and we’re constantly assessing each option as forks appear off the path we’re currently following. Brody was an unexpected path I decided to take. It seemed impossible at first, even undesirable from my anti-love position but over the past month I’ve realized I’m happier with him than alone.

Just me…Marissa

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