How to Define This?

April 3, 2008

Though we speak the same language, and use the same words even, we are often talking about very different things. I’ve spent the last week trying to figure out what Jonathan wants from this relationship.

First of all he says he doesn’t want a relationship. That was definition number one to tackle. What does he mean by that? I started with asking him to describe what he wants and he mentioned the following things:

1. A friend

2. Someone to spend time with (ie. companionship)

3. Connection

4. Someone to hold that cares about him

5. Sex that’s more than just a hook-up

6. Sex with only one partner

I was confused. At first I told him I didn’t want a one-night-stand, I needed more. He said he wasn’t sure he could give me the more that I wanted. I told him that I didn’t need another friend-with-benefits, if that’s what he was after, and I couldn’t be that for him. He said he didn’t want that either. He doesn’t want a relationship, though. But…what he describes as the situation he wants IS a relationship…in my mind anyway…the way I define it.

The one thing he mentions that does not fit my relationship definition is the freedom to date someone else. He wants to be able to go on a date with someone if he so desires.

Hmm…

So…how to internalize that statement?

Am I just a convenient spot to lay his head while he finds the person he really wants to be with? Am I a crutch…a rebound?

Has he realized how much really wants to be with me but is afraid to make a commitment just now?

Does he just not fucking know what he wants but it feels good to be with me?

Is this really any different than any other relationship? We all look at other people. We just aren’t normally honest about it. How many relationships break up due to infidelity?

Some truths…

Jonathan is just getting out of a marriage where infidelity was a huge issue. His wife cheated on him more than he first realized. He had an emotional relationship with me. The infidelity thing is weighing on his mind and he feels that people are all inherently untrustworthy, including himself.

I was worried about him closing off our relationship to the possibility of growth. I thought he meant that there were not emotions involved. He corrected me by saying, “There are emotions. I care about you a lot. I love you.”

So, if he loves me but is concerned about infidelity on his part or mine, then of course he doesn’t want a commitment. If we aren’t professing to be exclusive then we wouldn’t be breaking any vow if we cheated. We wouldn’t be cheating. But…he says he only wants to have one sexual partner so he is saying he’d be faithful even without a commitment.

And round and round we go again! I think my head it going to explode. The g-force from spinning is taking a toll on me. Motion sickness anyone?

There is only one day in the past week that I have not spoken to Jonathan. He is calling all the time. He even called at 1am last night and asked if he could come over. No, we didn’t have sex. We talked, cuddled and fell asleep together, wound around each other, raging horny but not giving in. It was great. He left before my kids woke up. He seems to really want this but I’m still scared.

I wrote this when thinking about Jonathan and the fears I still have…it’s a work in progress and I will surely come back and edit it as needed but…

Fear

“Never again!” I scream

Skinned knees and

Sore elbows throbbing

I spit on the rusted metal frame

Kicking the tire hard as a cloud of dust rises

“I hate you!”

Stomping off I vow never to try again.

But when the band-aids come off

And the scabs heal

I dream of dirt under my wheels

And wind in my hair

The cold air making my cheeks red

I close my eyes and feel myself propelled into the breeze

Pedaling faster and faster along

Remembering the tingle in my lungs on a sharp intake of breath

And I look at the lonely bicycle

Wishing I wasn’t so scared.

I’m trying to define this…make sense of it…put it in some kind of box with a label that I can understand. It doesn’t fit. Anywhere. Any label. It just is. Is that enough? Can anyone really live with ambiguity, uncertainty, on the cusp of catastrophe? I don’t know. It’s both exhilarating and paralyzing.

Oh Jonathan! I’ll do whatever it takes…will you?

Just me…Marissa

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