Memory is a Living Thing

June 4, 2008

I wrote a poem today for my other blog, yes I have another blog that I will never link to from here. Anyway, the point of the poem was to bring to life the idea what memories are active parts of our lives. I think that’s the overall message of this blog-story. Our past informs, constrains, grounds, and complicates the lives we are living today. We make decisions now based on outcomes before. Nothing is decided in a vacuum.

I’ve been thinking a lot about memory lately and how my past affected my relationship with Brody. It became a jumping off point, a way to talk about why I’m reluctant to get involved with anyone anymore. And then it became a wall.

Sometimes people need time alone, time to think. I don’t really understand why someone that cares for another would just walk away in the middle of something wonderful and isolate, be still, be silent and refrain from contact but that’s what happened. He walked away and I lost it.

Because of my past hurt, past loss, past experience, I interpreted his silence to withdrawal. I thought he was preparing to break things off so instead of waiting for the guillotine to fall, I felled the relationship myself. Then a huge amount of regret hit me and I tried to get him back. I begged to see him, to talk. I emailed, I texted, I called and he didn’t reply. I got a few very brief messages over the past two weeks but they contained no reassurance just his continued need for silence. My frustration kept building and building. Finally, he wrote a short email that said he missed me. This did not come with the suggestion that we should see each other, however.

What kind of reaction did I have? At first, sadness…but then anger! I was so pissed! How dare he say he missed me! I haven’t gone anywhere. If he wanted to see me he could. He has chosen not to see me so how can I accept the words, “I miss you?” Does that even make sense?

I emailed him a very long rambling mess of my spewing anger and he responded in kind saying he would try to explain but it didn’t seem to matter, my past has made it so that I filter everything through my black-colored glasses.

I may have destroyed any chance at reconciliation.

I still don’t understand what happened. He was here and now he’s gone but I still feel in limbo.

Time to think and to turn inward…ujjayi breathing on my yoga mat. I need to find some peace.

Just me…Marissa