May 21, 2008

I recently come to the conclusion that I am a coupler. I don’t feel right when I am not in a relationship. It’s that simple. I need another to be by my side. I think that is a major reason I have put up with irresponsible, worthless, not-good-for-me men before. I didn’t want to be alone. This is very hard to admit.

The feminist in me screams, bullshit! You are enough all by yourself. I know this is true. I know I am an intelligent, creative, interesting, attractive, sexual, sensual, wonderful human being. One that needs a match, however.

Maybe it’s a Piscean thing. I was born under the sign of the ‘twin’ fish. I need someone to school with. I think I might have mentioned that before…at least it rings in my ears as something I have written, here or maybe somewhere else. I don’t have time to check and frankly I don’t care because if I wrote it before, it bears repeating.

I watched an episode of Sex and the City recently in anticipation of the upcoming movie. The episode was called Plus One is the Loneliest Number. Carrie is sad that she doesn’t have a date to her own book release party. She doesn’t have a ‘plus one’.

I do have a plus one…or I did. Is anything every straight forward?

Brody and I are going through a weird couple of days. We’ve both been in a funk of sorts and not sure what’s wrong. Partly it’s him having trouble dealing with all my past relationship drama. He doesn’t want to be the next man that breaks my heart, if it comes to an end.

Partly, it’s sex, at least I think it is. The sex is good…very good,. I think he doubts me when I say that. I think, because of all my previous experience, he feels intimidated and I feel like there is nothing I can do about that.

I throw up my hands!!!!!

I thought that dating a man close to my age, with kids and emotional baggage would work…NOT

I thought that dating a man close to my age that didn’t have the emotional baggage and kids would work…NOT

So I decided to try something different…a younger man…and that seemed to be perfect…now I don’t know.

Just when I get to the point that I have worked through the shock of the age difference, went through both of us meeting the family, started developing real feelings…now things are getting shaky. Cold feet maybe?

*sigh*

There is nothing much to say…I’m getting so tired of this.

Just me…Marissa