March 28, 2008
Where to begin?
Jonathan has entered the picture again.
Yeah, I know…why? How did that happen? I was asking myself the same questions along with, are you fucking crazy? Well, yes, sometimes I think I am.
Wednesday night he called me. We talked for nearly two hours in which time I remembered how easy it was to talk to him. The conversation just flowed even after months of difficult, strained, and rare verbal connection, it all came rushing right back. We left the conversation with wishing each other well and saying it was nice to talk again. That was it. I had a hard time sleeping after. I tried just shrugging it off all day long. I’m over it. He hurt me. I don’t want to feel like that again. I don’t want to give him the power to destroy me like I did the last time. Needless to say, even though the thoughts were mostly trying to talk myself down, I was still thinking about him all day.
He called again last night and ended up asking if he could come over. I hesitated but eventually uttered one word, “Sure,” although I was far from sure I should be allowing myself to see him.
I was nervous. I didn’t know why he came over, why he wanted to see me and even what he wanted at all. I kind of figured it was sex he was after but it became pretty clear that he wanted something else. Intimacy.
After looking at some of my photographs, he hugged me and said…
“I’m sorry.”
“You did what you felt was right.”
“I hurt you.”
“Yeah.”
We were sitting on my bed. Eventually we laid down and just held each other for a long time. To avoid an oft used cliche I’ll instead replace it with a Robert Frost quote, knowing how way leads on to way…
It became pretty clear pretty soon that thing were heating up. I stopped him.
“I have to be honest with you. I don’t want a one night stand.”
“What do you want?”
“To use one of your phrases…is it ok if I don’t know?”
“Yeah.”
“I can say this much. This feels nice. I want to see you again. Beyond that, I don’t know.”
“I want to see you again, too.”
“I know I’m not ready to be really serious. I don’t want to hear those three little words again. It’s too soon. I don’t trust you. You scare me.”
“It is too soon and if I tried to say that, I’d be scaring me, too. And, you shouldn’t trust me. I woudn’t trust me. I don’t know what I want either.”
“This feels nice. I don’t want it to be the only night. I don’t want it to be like last time.”
“Me neither.”
After that moment of clarification, I just let happen what happens. Yes, that. It was sweet, slow and intimate. There was lots of touching and kissing. I felt those oh so familiar tingles he always gave me. I was shaking with nerves, and fear really. I wanted to be with him but I was also scared to death of the possible eventuality of getting crushed again.
Afterwards…
“Marie is gonna kick my ass!”
“Then she’s gonna kick mine.”
We both laughed. God did that feel good…a moment of levity after so many months of intensity.
“No second thoughts?”
“No.”
“Good.”
We laid in each other’s arms. He started to fall asleep but he had an early appointment the next day so he forced himself awake. It was 3:30 in the morning and he had to drive home.
“Call me after your conference and let me know how it went.”
That made me smile. He does want to keep this going, slowly, carefully, cautiously but certainly. To fill in some details, he finally ended his marriage for good this time, met with a lawyer and filed papers. He stopped taking all the prescription drugs. He seemed a lot more centered and sane. I could tell he’d missed me. I missed him, too. I didn’t even realize how much until I heard his voice, saw those blue eyes, felt those tingles at the slightest touch of his lips on mine.
It’s still there. Why is it that time seems to melt away when reunited with a former lover? It reminds me of Dali’s painting The Peristence of Memory. It seemed like only yesterday we had our first kiss and yet it’s been over five months. We’ve been through so much since then. Is it possible to repair the damage done and start over?
I don’t know…but I think I want to find out.
Just me…Marissa
6 comments
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March 30, 2008 at 11:54 am
kinsey3
Connecting with your words and experiences over the miles. Offering you a cyberhug on your journey…
Just Me,
Kinsey
March 31, 2008 at 8:50 am
justobserving
LMAO…….”Marie’s gunna kick my ass”
Not sure why you are doing this to yourself, go back and read your blogs. Step back and look at the situation. Again he got what he wanted when he wanted it on his terms.
I guess only you can answer the question…..”Is it possible to repair the damage done and start over?”
Trust is a huge huge thing in a relationship, yes I know you know that, but I am reminding you. Can you trust him, are you SURE he has filed papers and had left his wife. I think I remember that comment before.
You never want to be the other woman, you are far too good for that stigma, plus………..Marie will kick your ass this weekend
Huggs from me
March 31, 2008 at 11:51 am
Marissa
Kinsey3 – Thank you. It’s been a bit of a whirlwind weekend. I’ll write more soon.
Just – Thanks for the hugs. “Not sure why you are doing this to yourself, go back and read your blogs.” That was one of the first things I did after Jonathan called. My head was spinning with all kinds of questions…for him and for me. I don’t trust him right now. I can’t. He is healing but he’s still in a very shaky place emotionally. He did file papers this time. He was just talking to an attorney. I know he’s not going back this time but I also know that he’s not ready to jump into a serious relationship. We had a long talk last night. We’re progressing as friends for now. Possibilities might present themselves later. I’m happy that he’s back in my life but proceeding with caution.
March 31, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Plays In Dirt
Marissa, When I ended my affair, I blocked all contact with MArcel immeadiately. He never had a chance to know what was going on in my heart and head. And when I finally wanted to contact him, he was so hurt and sheilded, he refused any conatct. Sometimes things feel good because they are right but sometimes, they just feel good…. Maybe now you can get some questions answered. Good luck, Terra
April 1, 2008 at 2:50 pm
nickbrom
Marissa if you were this side of the pond I would sit you down and give you a good talking too.. Sometimes it isnt so good to hear some things but I agree with Just but hey what do I know….
DEJA VU maybe
ME
April 1, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Marissa
Terra – “and sometimes they just feel good” yeah…they do. It feels really good to be with him again but different this time. I’m not jumping in with both feet and we are talking…a lot. I don’t really know what’s going to happen but I’m not running away. Life is too short to give up on something you believe in. Sometimes you just have to take a risk.
Nick – Hehe…go ahead….give me that talking to…but I think I’ve probably said everything you would to myself already. It’s crazy, I know. But it feels good…and good is what I need right now…even if it’s a complicated good. I mean hell…if it was too easy I wouldn’t be interested! lol I have to live life on the cusp of catastrophe. It makes one feel alive.