March 26, 2008
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about censoring oneself. What I write about here are topics many would find offensive, sinful, perverted, disgusting, pornographic…how many more adjectives can I come up with? Basically, I’m very open about my life experiences. I’ve been part of a subculture, ok several subcultures, that could mark me as a subversive, transgressive, non-conforming, dangerous female. There are several reasons I write about such topics:
1. Honesty. I am who I am and I want to portray my full experience of life.
2. Visibility. People like me are not rare. There are more of us that our society is willing to admit. We just generally don’t make our subversive lives a matter of public discourse. I want to change that.
3. Connection. Finding others of shared experience is satisfying. Since I keep most of this under wraps in my everyday life, the internet is a way to connect to others for my own personal growth and fulfillment.
4. Venting. I need to release pent up steam, frustration from keeping this all in.
5. Mentoring. If I can help someone else that is going through similar struggles then my willingness to be open is worth any fears I have.
Problems arise for me when friends in my real life want to read my blog. I’m not quiet about the fact that I blog. I just don’t give out my url to certain people. If I know they have similar life experience or if I know they can handle it, then maybe. If I want someone to know more about me, then maybe. Mostly, no.
I keep my academic writing and my personal writing very separate. This creates certain problems.
1. Repression. I have to keep repressing certain aspects about who I am. It’s stifling. Sometimes I just want to say, “You’re wrong about people like that. I know. I am one.” But I just can’t do this in most cases.
2. Dishonesty. I hate lying to friends. Repressing large parts of myself means I fell like a liar and that’s the last thing I want to be.
3. Fracturing. I’m cut into several large chunks. I can be this me here…and that me there…but not all of me anywhere.
4. Distance. Because of the previous three points, I feel separated from people. I don’t have many close friends because to have a close friend means opening up. I have to trust someone a great deal to do this and I run the risk of freaking them out.
I used to feel fine about keeping my writing life compartmentalized like I do. Lately, it’s been bothering me. I want all the parts of myself to be integrated. I want to be able to write the truth of my experience in all my writing, not just here. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t lived in all those worlds. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t who I am…but I am. I can’t deny my past. I can’t deny myself.
Identity builds over time. One experience or event propels you into another. All my experiences have interconnected to make my own unique life. This me I am today is not the me I was years ago. Trying to remove certain parts of the whole of me makes for a painful daily existence monitoring the borders of my fractured identity(ies). I wish I could just be me with no consequences for living the life I have lived. The world is just not that way, unfortunately.
Just me…Marissa
15 comments
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March 26, 2008 at 7:44 pm
nluckhurst
Hi Marissa-
I understand your conflicting feelings about wanting to be honest and be your total self in your writing while not causing issues in your friendships. And I don’t think most people have MANY close friends; they have a few or sometimes even one, and then there are a bunch of acquaintances. No one can be truly close to many people- there aren’t enough hours in the day!
The kind of writing you want to do is almost like a diary- very personal. And most people don’t share their diaries with other people for the very reasons you mentioned.
One alternative that I can think of is to write a blog with everything you described and either limit who can access the blog, or write it anonymously or with a pen name. Don’t include your picture and don’t tell your friends about it.
There are still plenty of other people who don’t know you in everyday life who will read it.
I wish you well.
March 26, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Marissa
Nancy – Welcome!
I hope this doesn’t come as a huge surprise to my regular readers but Marissa is a pen name and I use one for my column, as well.
This in the main way that I keep everything separate. Using my picture here was a huge leap of faith that I felt was important for me. This blog is the most honest writing I have ever done. If someone I know stumbles upon my blog and recognizes me, fine, I’ll deal with it personally, but they can’t search me out by name. I really don’t want to limit access to it. That kind of defeats one of my main goals…finding like-minded people.
In the early stages of this blog I considered trying to publish it. I’ve since deviated some from the original way I was telling my story and it means something a bit different to me now…like a diary instead of just telling of a story. I still think that my life makes for great reading and might make an interesting book! Someone has to believe in me right?
As far a friends go, I guess I wasn’t specific enough. My closest friends live hours away. Locally, I really have no one to confide in, go out for a drink with etc. I’d like to connect with someone but it’s scary. My best friend is someone from my subculture life. I can be totally honest with her and I love that. I just wish she lived much closer!
Anyhow, I appreciate your comments. I hope you come back again!
Best,
Marissa
March 26, 2008 at 8:26 pm
Red Wine Gums
I can definitely relate. I like to consider myself an open person as well but people will use that against you. You need to be careful. Sometimes I wish it wasn’t the case
Mandatory Vid Comment
Love the choreography. Song is a nice tune as well
March 26, 2008 at 8:41 pm
saintpaulgrrl
I’ve lived my life this way as well: compartmentalized, concerned that the wrong person will find out something they ’shouldn’t,’ censoring my comments depending on the listeners, etc. As I’ve gotten older, I censor myself less and less, and it’s a good feeling for the most part. Still, I suppose a part of me will always stop and think before I say or write something for fear the information will fall into the wrong hands. (Now, if I could only define ‘wrong hands!’)
March 27, 2008 at 7:51 am
saintpaulgrrl
Me again. This post really struck a nerve — to the extent that I woke up last night thinking about it. I have some events and feelings going on in my life right now regarding my bisexuality that I want to write about on my WordPress blog but don’t feel as though I can publically without alienating and/or discomfiting a couple of my friends here. The choices are: (1) don’t write about it here (but I want to for all the reasons you’ve mentioned in your post, (2) write but password-protect the entry, (but that, of course, makes sure that no one but a few people see the posts and that defeats the potential fulfillment of those reasons you listed for doing this — meeting like-minded people, mentoring, etc.), or (4) start a new blog under a different name and write there. (Back to that whole compartmentalization thing again!), or (5) write in my blog that contains all the details of my life as an integrated person and if others are uncomfortable with it and/or walk away from me, that’s their deal. ….sigh…..
P.S. I’ll send you the password if I decide to go that route.
March 27, 2008 at 8:40 am
Marissa
RWG – The world is not an easy place to live in if you don’t seem to fit the dominant ideological model, which frankly no one really does completely. That vid has many parallels to the discussion…the coreography being one of great importance to the message of many MEs all separating and integrating. I thought it was also interesting because of the idea of your “teenage hopes” and the fact that things are not the same now.
Saintpaulgrrl – LMAO…sorry I got a thought stuck in your head that kept you from sleeping! If it’s any consolation, I couldn’t sleep last night either. Jonathon called and I was thinking about him the rest of the night…just when you think you’re over something…sigh. Oh well…that’s my life. I like your mention of things getting into the “wrong hands”…that made me laugh, like these things are national security risks or something! I hate to say I’m glad others struggle with these issues but it is rather comforting to know I’m not the only one. I hope you come to an answer that satisfies you…YOU…not those other people. Keep that in mind and definitely send me the password!
March 27, 2008 at 8:59 am
marleenken
A certain amount of separation is necessary in one’s life. For instance, you should never confuse work and pleasure, or really in my experience, work and personal life at all. Your father does not need to know the torrid details of your sex life, and neither do your children or church group. But, someone cannot be your friend if you don’t give them access to you. There are some aspects of your life you will always have to be a persona or a part of yourself for, such as work, court, your children when they are young, etc. But outside of that there’s no reason to not be what you are. People gravitate toward self-assured individuals. And speaking from personal experience, its just so much easier to let the facade down.
March 27, 2008 at 9:36 am
saintpaulgrrl
Marleenken – Your point is well-taken about the necessary separations that occur in our lives. In my case, I have no children, I don’t belong to a church, and my parents are deceased. My coworkers don’t check in here to see what I’m up to, and a couple of them who might already know about my orientation. My husband knows all there is to know about me. Hmmm…. I’m going to have to think about how much separation here I want to engage in and for what reasons.
March 27, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Plays In Dirt
Marissa** I have found it freeing… but limiting is some respects, to write so honestly about things on my blog. Other people read it, but no one close to me… I hope! Sometimes I find myself wondering if I’m going to be picked apart by the general public for contadicting myself from one post to another. But it’s not really for others that I write, I do it for me, and I am a wishy washy person sometimes… one day I feel love deeply for my husband, the next… well… you’ve read some of it so you know. It sounds like this blog has “grown” and changed for you, just remember, there are no rules except those you make for yourself (Please throw that one back at me in the future when I need it!) ** Happy writing, Terra Playsindirt
March 27, 2008 at 4:39 pm
thismomentnow
I’ve found your blog, and it is certainly as well-written and insightful as I would have expected.
I suspect that most people find themselves living in more than one world. In your case, those worlds are just a bit more extreme in their difference.
I have censored out some of the seedier parts of my life not just from my blog (a couple of people that I know have found me there), but even from my own journal. I have a hard time figuring out why I do this. Perhaps I don’t want it to fall into the wrong hands. More likely, I think it has to do with not wanting to confront the issues myself–not seeing them in writing.
March 27, 2008 at 7:36 pm
longstems
I hate the separation as well. It really makes you feel like part of a person… like there is something wrong that you can’t put it all together.
Sometimes you want to separate things, and that’s fine. But *having to* feels phony somehow.
That’s one reason I like having you as a friend… I don’t feel like I have to censor part of me. It’s quite freeing!
March 28, 2008 at 5:21 pm
kinsey3
Marissa, this is SaintPaulGrrl who has opened up a new blog where I can compartmentalize my life! I’d be delighted if you’d come visit me sometime. (The blog is still in its birth. I’m at work and can’t upload pics and such at this time but will do so when time permits.)
March 29, 2008 at 9:32 am
Welcome to My Compartment « Bi Cycles of a Kinsey 3
[...] give Marissa some credit here for getting this particular journal underway. Her post, “Censoring Me,” rattled my cage, got me to thinking about this issue of what to say where. I don’t really [...]
March 30, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Marissa
So so so tired everyone…I’ll pop back in soon to comment to each of you. I also have a few stories to tell from the weekend!!!!
March 31, 2008 at 11:43 am
Marissa
Marly – Good points. We do need some separation. I just think that it gets to the point that you just want to be you…not a fragment of you. You want people to accept you as a whole not as parts. But yes…there are things that aren’t appropriate to be shared in certain contexts. Kids don’t have that filter and will say anything to anyone freely and without guilt. Makes me want to be a kid sometimes. lol
Saintpaulgrrl – Hmm…makes me wonder why you feel the need to compartmentalize too! I’m glad you’ve found a way to make it work for you.
Terra – Ahh…that is exactly the point! We write for our own personal growth and expression. We need to keep that in mind. I’ll remind you when you need it…lol
thismomentnow – Interesting that you censor your own journal. I think you’re right…you don’t want to confront certain things so you avoid putting them into a permanent form. You should think about that more. Maybe writing about those things would help you cope. Anyway, great to see you here. Thanks for the compliments on my writing.
Come back again.
Longstems – Exactly! It’s the feeling that you “have” to censor that hurts so much. And I like having you for a friend for the same reason! Not just that though
Kinsey3 – Hehehe…awesome that you have decided to open up that comparment!!! I’ll be stopping by from time to time.