February 11, 2008
You deserve better.
I have heard those words a thousand times it seems from friends and even from Jonathan himself. Do I deserve better? What does that really mean? Better than what? Better in what way?
I figure it’s a good idea to answer these questions and to analyze my previous relationships before even considering entering into a new one. It wouldn’t be fair to a new man (or woman) for me to transfer my anger and confusion from Jonathan to them. It also wouldn’t be good in a displacement sense. I know there are still feelings existing for Jonathan. If someone else came into my life now, there is a liklihood that I’d fall hard and fast because of displacement of that leftover emotional baggage.
So what is it that I deserve exactly? I don’t know. I left my marriage of 15 years…maybe I don’t deserve to be happy now. Maybe this is karma. Maybe since I hurt someone, I deserved to be hurt in return. If so…I got it good. Now my cosmic permanent record should be all evened up. Punishment enacted…check.
So what do I deserve?
To use another Jonathan line…someone to love that loves me back. That pretty much sums up what everyone wants right? But it doesn’t tell the truth. It doesn’t speak to the needs we each have, the individual likes/dislikes and preferences that make us unique.
But that goes to need…not deserve. Maybe the question is wrong…maybe I should ask myself what do I want not what do I deserve. That’s an easier one to answer too. Deserve seems to have a negative connotation. Need is about fulfilling yourself…its positive.
What I want…or Marissa’s prescription for the perfect man…
Small build…I don’t like big bodybuilder, no-neck, uber-masculine men
Sensitive…not afraid to tell me he loves me or to cry at a sad movie
Creative…in any way really…it could be art, music, writing etc.
Spontaneous…not someone that plans every moment
Stable…ok not always spontaneous…centered and responsible but fun
Sexually versatile…I don’t mean bi…I mean likes to try new things and mix it up in the bedroom…sometimes sweet and slow…sometimes slap my ass…and willling to learn how to please me…vice versa is a given
Boyish charm…I like my men young or young-looking…baby face pretty boys…mmm
Intelligent…I want a man I can talk to
Humble…smart but not full of himself
Night owl…I am not a morning person
I don’t want much do I?
That’s the want list though. The deserve list is only one word long…after all I’ve been through and all the men I have given myself to….
I finally…deserve…
LOVE
That’s how I see it. I can’t give up. What’s life without love? Death. That’s what. I need love to live, to breathe. I deserve better…I deserve love.
Just me…Marissa
6 comments
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February 11, 2008 at 2:24 pm
nickbrom
hey Marissa
not elsewhere…
I am sure you will have some 10 out of 10 coming forward..
but if that takes a while I could you 5!! 6 if you meant smallish in height
why do you do yourself down thought? you seem to beat yourself up about your marrriage, but if all of us who fucked up in that dept. then life would be pretty miserable..
could be 7 if you include versatility i can use both hands
ME
February 11, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Marissa
Ha…I didn’t even realize there were 10 things on that list. My perfect 10…
Nick I have a feeling you are more than a 5 sweetie! And…I do like big in certain areas…hehe.
February 11, 2008 at 9:30 pm
justobserving
Is that a smile I see on your face……well keep it cause it looks good on ya girl!
OK all caught up now…….and
still Just Observing
xoxox
February 12, 2008 at 12:54 am
Marissa
Just – Smiles come and go lately. Hopefully one of these days I’ll be able to keep one for awhile. I just posted another…so you’re not caught up yet! lol
February 16, 2008 at 2:37 pm
dilipsanchora
u seems to be confused about..wat actually karma means…it says..” do watever u want to do….and dont worry about results..”….and second thing….y do u drill urself so much….the only help which it can do , is to screw the life ….
February 16, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Marissa
dilipsachora – I was not using karma in any specific religious or cultural sense…simply the traditional western undertanding that it is cause and effect. The idea that what you do effects what will happen to you later. I think it’s hard not to blame yourself for things that happen…that’s taking responsibility. I try to understand what occurred in any given situation so I can learn from it. You’re right about it screwing up my life though! I have been told I think too much and that’s definitely true.