January 23, 2008

Have I been lost? To make things simple….yes…and I still have no idea where I’m going.

I guess I need to update some things since I’ve been away. Honestly, I haven’t been myself since before I left for England back in November. My whole life seems to have taken a nosedive at that point and I’ve been pulling hard to right myself ever since.

Here’s a short summary. I fell in love with a man that was unavailable. When he made himself available he became even more unavailable than before. If this makes no sense to you…try being me. The point is, Jonathan is gone. I’ve had a really hard time accepting that fact. In our collective imagination we have this picture of our perfect love. There is only one, of course. I met him, we fell head over heels in love and then he rode off into the sunset never to return. Can you hear the needle scratch across the surface of the record? Love song interupted.

I can’t say that I was completely surprised he needed time after leaving his wife. I almost expected it. If it wasn’t for all the times he reassured me over and over I wouldn’t have believed. But I believed in him. I believed in us.

I have 200 pages he and I wrote to each other to prove I wasn’t completely out of my mind and imagining things. I read them over sometimes in amazement that someone could love so deeply and completely, be so sure, and then change his mind in the blink of an eye. Then he took nearly two months to really tell me. He kept in touch just enough for me to not be quite certain if he was still with me or not. I was trying to be patient. I was giving him space. I was confused but I believed.

I was wasting time. I was ruining my life. I was losing my mind.

I was a fool.

And I still am. I still love him. I miss him. I check his myspace page several times a day just to look at his picture and wish I could see him, talk to him, hold his hand again.

There are reasons we have sayings like crazy in love and lovesick. ‘Crazy and sick’ is me right now. I’m so dissillusioned and depressed I have no sex drive and I have to take meds at night so I don’t wake up with a nightmarish vision of stabbing myself. That happened one night when I didn’t take my panic attack meds. I called my soon-to-be ex-husband and had him come over and sit with me till the meds kicked in. I should have called Jonathan and made him take care of the mess he created.

It’s been almost two weeks since we had “the break-up talk” as I’m calling it. He called and tried to explain on the phone.

“I just don’t want love in my life.”

“What? You mean you love me but you don’t want to be with me?”

“Don’t you think you’re taking that a bit far?”

“No. I think I’m saying it exactly how it is.”

I suggested we do it in person because there was a lot I didn’t understand, questions I had. So he came over. I finally had him in my bed but instead of fucking my body he fucked with my mind. It ended on this note…

“I’m not opposed to maintaining a friendship after some time has passed.”

So it doesn’t matter that he was my divorce support system and now I have no one. It doesn’t matter that I worried about him the entire time I was in England and effectively ruined my whole vacation because of him. It doesn’t matter that I was alone through the holidays without any idea what was going on, crying every day and wondering when we’d see each other again. And above all else it doesn’t matter that he said, “I love you with all of me and nothing will ever change that.”

There’s always more to tell but now at least I was able to write about losing Jonathan. That’s a huge step for me. As far as relationships go…I have no idea where I’m going from here. I don’t think I can trust like that again and I don’t even want to.

Just me…

Just me again…Marissa

turn the page ~~>