December 3, 2007
This isn’t the first time.
I’m facing a month of loneliness that will begin in only a week. My semester is ending and classes don’t begin again for almost a month. I have no family here, save for my two children, and very few close friends. The holidays will be dark.
I’m not sure what’s happening with Jonathan now. He is going through such a transition that I think even he is unsure. This leaves me in a place of limbo. That is a very uncomfortable place for me. I am not going to tell him how hurt I am, how lonely, how needy. I don’t want to be a burden, or an obligation, something else he has to take care of. I want him to come to me of his own free will, out of joy not duty.
What will I do with my time for the next month? I fear that most will be spent curled up in bed, alone. I feel myself falling into a deep pit of depression. When I get lonely and depressed I isolate. I pull myself inside and just cry. I don’t like to burden people with my problems. I don’t like depending too much on others. I just cry it out until I can hold my head up again and pretend I’m alright.
Will I ever be alright? Will things ever go my way?
I think I’ll just sink into some memories for awhile, past pain. Then I don’t have to think about present pain and lonliness. Old pain doesn’t hurt as bad. I can look at the scars and tell the story without tears. It’s just a story. Could be anyone’s. I can write the past with ease. My future is always unclear.
Facing my month of lonely with the blanket of snow that will not be enough to insulate me. Piling on the layers of warmth but the cold is inside me.
Just me…Marissa
4 comments
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December 4, 2007 at 12:18 am
longstems
hey… what you’re gonna do is call ME, dammit. i want to spend time with you!!! no curling up in bed. unless it’s mine, of course. hehe
December 4, 2007 at 10:25 am
Marissa
longstems – hehe…of course I can call you! But I’ll still curl up in bed a lot…snow is not friendly…brrrr.
December 4, 2007 at 12:59 pm
justobserving
Your holidays will only be dark should you want them to be that way. The choice is yours
Laying in a pool of self pity helps no one, not you and not your two children. Is that the lesson you want them to learn?
“I’m not sure what’s happening with Jonathan now. He is going through such a transition that I think even he is unsure. This leaves me in a place of limbo. That is a very uncomfortable place for me. I am not going to tell him how hurt I am, how lonely, how needy. I don’t want to be a burden, or an obligation, something else he has to take care of. I want him to come to me of his own free will, out of joy not duty.”
Why are you putting your life on hold for something you have no control over? You are NOT a needy person, you are a strong person! Why is it you feel you “need” him so badly that without him you will “curl up”? You are a much better person then that! Apparently you have friends, turn to them during the holidays…….family is what you make of it and who you make of it. Just because someone is not related does NOT mean they are not family.
You have made a future for yourself, you have gone back to school to do what you want to with your life…….so DO IT!!! Stop the feeling sorry for yourself…….
Yes it’s easy for me from here, because….
I’m just observing
December 7, 2007 at 12:19 pm
2marie2
Girl, girl, girl. What am I gonna do with you? I agree with Justobserving.
No, things may not be perfect or even close. . .but that’s okay ’cause perfection is boring!
If you need something to do this weekend, head down here. . .I’ve got a bottle of Jaegermeister – add some Red Bull and WOOf***kingHOO!
Luv ya, take care and shake it off chick!
Hugs,
Marie