February 8, 2007

“I wanted this talk and I don’t know what to say now that you’re here.”

“I think it’s that you’re not just saying goodbye to a friend but someone you love.”

I hesitated and then…

“Yes, but you don’t understand.”

“What?”

“I feel things for you that I’ve never felt for another man, ever.”

“Even your husband?”

“Yes, even him.”

“Wow,” he said with a quiet astonishment.

He was leaving again…to see her. I knew that this time, the second time, would cement whatever they found before. I knew I was losing him and I couldn’t stop it. I wanted him to know how I felt even if it didn’t change things. I loved him, I love him, I will always love him, no matter what. I’d been living with that for a long time.

He showed me the necklace he bought for her for Valentine’s Day. It was a heart necklace, with three diamonds. I told him it was beautiful and I was sure she’d love it.

“I might be getting that apartment.”

“For the solitude you need and to write?”

“Maybe for more than that.”

“Whoa…really?”

“I’m not happy and I haven’t been for a long time. It’s not about you. It’s about what I’m missing. I always knew I couldn’t be with you, not in any real way. Now you’re leaving and I am facing going back to what I had. I don’t want to. I can’t. It’s time to do something about it.”

“You know I wish you the best.”

“I know.”

I climbed up onto his lap, stared deeply into his eyes, placed my hands on either side of his face and said…

“I want you to know…no matter what happens in your life…wherever you go…there will always be someone who loves you. If things get bad, think of me and know, I will always be here for you.”

I leaned in and kissed him. The tears started so I laid my head on his shoulder. He knew. He held me. He let me cry.

I don’t know how long we have. He will come back from her and start planning his move. The time is running out. I’m trying to brace myself for the loss but I feel like I’m drowning. The tears just won’t stop.

We had sex one last time, made love really. It may be the very last time. His heart is somewhere else now. I feel awkward about being with him. He belongs to another woman. It was sweet and slow. He was careful with my feelings. He held me close, kissed me gently, loved me for a moment. I wish it could be more than a moment. I can still feel him, smell him. I lay here wishing he was still with me, tonight, tomorrow, forever. I run my hands down my body and remember his touch.

Will I ever stop crying?

Just me…Marissa

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