October 17, 2007
He definitely doesn’t regret it.
While driving to campus yesterday I was hoping I’d see him. I know he has classes Tuesdays but I wasn’t sure when or where. As I was driving into the parking garage there he was. I couldn’t help smiling. I had a big, silly grin on my face. He walked up to my car and leaned in the window to kiss me. That was just the reassurance I needed.
I got all tingly and shaky! I felt like a giddy, little schoolgirl. I forgot to ask him where he’d be later. He just said he had some work to do and I told him I had class soon. We said goodbye and I parked the car. I could barely walk in the building I was shaking so much. What a great feeling!
I saw him after my first class, found out where his class is, and made plans to meet for a short while afterwards.
I was daydreaming all during class. I kept looking at my watch. When was this class going to get over? Finally, it did. I walked straight up the stairs to our meeting place.
We sat in the quiet lounge and talked.
“I was worried you’d regret what happened Thursday.”
“I was thinking you would.”
“No. I don’t regret it. I do have issues with you still being married, but I don’t regret it.”
“It was stupid of me to leave you that message, internet history.”
“Yeah, probably, but I’m glad you did.”
“I kept re-reading your response. It was my only connection to you. Everytime I laid down I was wishing you were there with me.”
Wow, I’m thinking. I’ve never had a guy act this way about me. After all the begging, pleading, trying to get Logan to see what we had, I had just about given up on men. Now, I don’t know what to think. I want to believe and to enjoy. I don’t want to be cynical and jaded. I want love in my life. Could this be it?
I feel so wonderful. I feel so scared. If I let myself fall into him, I could be hurt again. If I don’t, I could be missing out on something potentially incredible. It’s already pretty amazing. I remember David Letterman’s, “Is this anything?” segment and I ask myself the same question. Is this anything?
When he finally makes the split with his wife, is he going to just want to be alone for awhile? I would understand that. I don’t know what to do. I smile and then I feel like crying. Happy and sad tears all at the same time. I want to hold his hand. I can’t.
Is this a Karmic payback? I put Logan in the same place, being with me while I was married. We weren’t sneaking around, though. My husband knew about us. In a way that made it easier, and in a way harder. Logan and I weren’t supposed to fall in love anymore than Jonathan and I are. Is that what this is or is it just a dalliance? I think its far too soon to tell.
I can’t even think of that word right now…
L-o-v-e
What is that? How do you tell if that’s what you have with someone? I’m no longer sure I know. I’m no longer sure of anything when it comes to men.
I’m broken.
But…I have this feeling every time I’m with him, this wonderful, warm, happy feeling.
Just me…Marissa
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October 17, 2007 at 11:01 pm
Signs of Puppy Love « Drunken Dialogue
[...] Actually, I think this post does a better job of expressing the nuances of puppy [...]
October 17, 2007 at 11:16 pm
drunk american
with such clarity as to what weighs in the balance between the risks and the benefits, i am reminded of the words of a federal judge who always used to tell me: “nothing ventured, nothing gained.”
and if you decide to venture nothing, you already know that part of the lifelong pain you will endure is always asking yourself: “what if…”
but i find it remarkable that despite all your pain of being broken, you are still willing to consider the possibilities. good for you!
October 18, 2007 at 10:25 am
Marissa
DA – The “what if” and the wonderful feeling I get when I’m with him tell me to take the risk. It’s hard, though, when your moral, logical mind tells you its wrong. I’ve never been a person to tout my high moral character, so undoubtedly I’ll go with my gut. I’m needing something that feels good right now. Maybe he can glue back a few pieces of my broken heart.
Thanks for the pingback…