October 14, 2007

What constitutes cheating on your spouse? Is it just a thought? A kiss? Sex? Where is the line that you draw in the sand and say this is ok…that is not? And who’s responsibility is it? Is there any situation in which cheating might be ok?

The purpose of this discussion with myself is the kiss from last week. He’s married. I know this. I also know he is leaving his wife soon. He is in the same place I was a few months ago. I had mentally checked out of my marriage long before I physically ended it. That’s where he is and I know it from what he has told me yet I still feel a pang of guilt about kissing him. A kiss with another man figured into the course of the last few years of my life and I know from whence I speak. What I said to him the other day is…

“You are still a lot more married than I am right now. I think you need to take a few more steps down that path.”

“You’re smarter than I am.”

“Nope, I’ve just been where you are.”

He is feeling needy. He hasn’t been in love with his wife for a long time, maybe ever. It sounds so much like my marriage, which makes me sympathetic. He needs to feel needed. He needs loving arms around him. He needs sex with someone that he feels attracted to and excited about. He needs a new start.

But…he needs to end his marriage.

I’ve had two bits of advice from friends about him, two very different ways of looking at the issue. I’m struggling with what to do.

One friend says stay away for awhile. He needs to end his marriage and then you can see what you have with him. You don’t want to be the other woman. You don’t want to be a rebound. If he’s too weak to see that then you need to stop it.

The other friend feels differently. She says its not my problem. He is a big boy and can make his own decisions. He knows he is ending his marriage, has a plan in place and is following through on it. If he wants to be with you, then don’t worry about it. Have fun and let him handle his own problems.

I’m going to complicate the problem even more, now. I don’t know what I want with him. I just know that there is an attraction between us. I’m not sure if its just going to be some mild flirting and messing around, maybe we’ll date some, maybe we’ll have sex, maybe we’ll end up being together for a long time. I have no idea and I don’t even know what I want. He doesn’t know what he wants, I’m sure. Is it better just to let it ride and see what happens or to have a talk about it?

What I’m most worried about is that we are both vulnerable. In the emotional state we are in we shouldn’t be trying to make long term decisions. We have the potential of hurting each other. So, letting it go and just seeing what happens might be the best way to handle it. Right?

I mean being there for each other during this time is good. We both need someone. Maybe that’s all it will ever be, just friends being there for each other in a difficult time. We make each other feel good, attractive, desirable and that’s priceless. When you’re ending a long term relationship it can feel really lonely and you wonder whether you’ll ever have love in your life again. If we can at least help each other see the potential then we’d be doing some real good.

If he’s feeling this lonely and in need then isn’t it better to be with someone who understands? I won’t be pressuring him for more because I’m not ready myself. We can find our way together.

I think I’ll talk this out with him next Thursday. I wish I could see him sooner. I wonder if he’s been thinking about it, too? I wonder if he regrets it? I hope not. I don’t know if I could handle that! I don’t want to be a regret.

Just me…Marissa

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