October 5, 2007

Wallowing in a pool of Piscean self-pity. We’re good at that. Actually, I’m being dramatic…

That that don’t kill me can only make me stronger…I know I got to be right now cause I can’t get much wronger.

Wronger…ya gotta love a writer that makes up his own words to fit a rhyme!

I felt happy today, not sure why. I went to lunch with a friend that I hadn’t seen in what seemed like forever. As I was driving there I felt overwhelmingly happy. I was listening to music (way too loud), singing (and might I add you don’t want to hear that) and doing my best to dance while driving. Can you picture it? Don’t.

Anyway, I felt free. Free from the heartache if even for a moment. Free from the marriage I felt choked in. Free to make my own choices. Free to say yes or no or I don’t give a damn.

I broke down two nights ago and sent him an email…Logan. It was short and sweet. Mostly I was wondering if he was reading this blog. He knows about it. I also wanted to know if he was angry that I have been so open about us here. I told him that he had meant a lot to me, still does and I miss him.

I haven’t gotten anything in return.

That’s very unlike him. I expected a brief note, something along the lines of, “I’m glad you’re getting it out. I’m not angry. I miss you, too.” That would be a typical response from him. That’s what I expected. I got nothing.

Does he miss me? Is he reading this? Has it surprised or angered him? I wish I knew.

I want to tell him, “When your life stops being about the conquest and you just want to hold someone’s hand, come find me.” I don’t need to say it. He knows it. He knows I didn’t want to end it. He knows I love him and want things to be different.

I turn to Richard Bach again…

Don’t be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moment or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.

A friend read my blog today for the first time. He asked me if that was really how it was or did I embellish…on the Oral Sex: Overcoming My Aversion post…the part about how I felt about Logan. I told him that on this blog I only filled in where my memory failed me, some dates may not be accurate but for the most part, what I wrote is how it was and how it is.

“And he doesn’t feel the same…life ain’t fair.”

“Agreed. There are a lot of things I did with him that I never did before or since…and maybe never will. Believe it or not…they were things he never did with anyone else either.”

“Then you did have something special.”

“We did…we…not just me.”

That was pretty powerful to me, the realization that we really did have something special. No one can take that away. Those times, those memories are ours. We may keep colliding or our story may be written but what we had, we had.

Another friend said to me recently,”Darlin’ you need to remember, people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. A reason, a season or a lifetime. Don’t forget that.”

I don’t know if the Logan and Marissa story is complete. I don’t know if we’ve written the final chapter yet, but I do know we had something I’ve never had with another man. He has a special place in my heart and in my memory and that’s no small thing.

I’m happy I met him. I’m happy we had those times together. I’m happy even that I have a whole in my heart where he belongs. I want to tell him that. I want to see him. I want to hug him and feel his arms around me again. I want to be friends again. I miss my friend.

But regardless, today was a happy day. I had a nice lunch with a friend. We ironed out some old misunderstandings. My son cooked dinner and it was great! People are actually reading this blog which makes me feel wonderful. I have a lot of good in my life, even if there’s still an empty space.

A little stronger…

Just me…Marissa

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