September 29, 2007

I want him to be happy.

No, I don’t! That was a lie. I wish I was able to be that enlightened. What I really want is for him to be miserable and miss me terribly. That’s the ugly truth. People think I’m kind, generous, and sweet, but I can be just the opposite.

Don’t have another nice moment in your life you selfish, heartless, bastard!

Yep, I have moments when that is the ugly truth of my thoughts.

But mostly, I just miss him.

I miss his smile.

I miss the smile I get, inside and out, when I’m with him.

I miss his kiss. I real kiss that I only got on rare occasions when he let his guard down, when he actually let himself feel something other than physical pleasure, the times when he let me touch his heart for just a moment. Those kisses. The ones where his hand was on the back of my head and he pulled me so close and kissed me so deep I thought I would drowned in him.

Before a kiss like that there were always the eyes. The hungry eyes that looked at me as if I was the only woman on earth and he wanted me desperately. It wasn’t a sexual stare, although it certainly was filled with passionate desire, it was a longing stare, a longing for something more than this, a sad longing that was only allowed a momentary release.

His touch in those moments was controlling, possessing, strong. He wanted me to be his and I did not resist.

We had plenty of sexual encounters that were just sex. “Meet me at midnight down by the boat dock and let’s get in on.” Although that was always fun and certainly sexually satisfying, he and I are extremely sexually compatible, I don’t miss that. I miss the passionate times.

He told me I would have liked him years ago before he built a wall around his heart. He said he used to be very passionate. He still is, he just hides it well. He has been in the lifestyle for many years and trained himself not to feel.

I can’t really feel pity for a man who has lived his life for fun. He’s enjoyed his life. Have I? I sometimes wish I could have closed my heart off like he did and avoided all the pain I’ve lived through. I almost envy his emotional control. I would envy it if I didn’t know the other side. He’s never truly had love in his life. Even through all the pain, love seems worth it to me. Love is the thing that makes life worth living. At least I always believed that. I’m questioning it now.

I wish he’d let me love him. I do. I’m the only woman who had ever truly loved him and he’s throwing me away. He won’t let me in. He may be able to control his own heart but he can’t control mine. I love him, damnit!

But I can no longer fight for a man that doesn’t want to be won.

Just me…Marissa

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