April 18, 1987

Well, I still have a boyfriend here in Michigan and its been over a month. This is cool! I like it. I like having someone with me at parties. I like him putting his arm around me, kissing me. I like the feeling of being liked.

I want to have sex. I’ve been thinking that a lot lately. I’ve still never done it and although I wish John had been my first on that perfect night in Florida, I can’t ever change what happened and what didn’t happen. I’ve made a decision. This guy I’m dating right now is going to be my first.

I know it sounds very calculated, and it is, but I’m ready and I’ve decided. He’s sweet, makes me smile and laugh. I have these Playboy bunny panties and he is always asking me if he can kiss my bunnies…hehe. I love his sense of humor and that cute, innocent, little boy look he has. I don’t love him. I’m not in love with him. I don’t want to be with him forever but I know he won’t hurt me. I know he’ll be kind and gentle.

Is it too cliche to do it on prom night?

My friend and her everybody-thinks-he’s-gay boyfriend are booking adjoining hotel rooms with us. It’s her senior prom and my junior prom. We aren’t going. Our parents think we are. We’re good at that, lying and getting away with it.

My dad was never really an authority figure in my life anyway. I mean I didn’t even live with him all my life, all of it that I remember. My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. I only saw him on sundays and holidays, until we moved to Florida. Then it was just in the summer for a couple week vacation and at Christmas until my mom decided she couldn’t handle a teenage daughter and sent me to live with him.

I wasn’t really that bad. I was a normal teenager. My friends did things that were way worse than me. I thought I was the good one. My mom thought different. Abandoned by my dad when I was 2, my step-dad when I was 13 (that’s a whole other story), and my mom when I was 16. Some kind of life, huh?

Back to my decision. I’m gonna do it. He likes me. I like him. Yes, I’ll use protection. I’m not stupid. I’ll write more after prom night.

Just me…Marissa

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